back in action

This blog has been dormant for a while - ever since I got back from Cali. Reason being, I started a new job at an even fancier corporate law firm and I felt a little nervous being so exposed on the internetz. Sure, none of my posts were overly revelatory or intimate but over time it was sure to trend that way. But I find that I now miss the cathartic effects of blogging and wish to return to the forum. So, here I am. You've missed a lot - new job, trips to Berlin, Paris and London, Marla and Ani going off to law school, Brother returning from China, Roommate getting a new girlfriend. So on and so forth but rather than bore you with a recap I'll just hope you decide to e-mail for details. On to present day.

It's the weekend after Christmas and I'm upstate visiting relatives. I decided to take this time of utter social seclusion to quit smoking - my little cousins are so cute I hope to be unable to inflict them with the rage I am expecting any time now. All the websites say so - I'm looking forward to anxiety, tension, and mouth sores. God, I would kill for a cigarette right now and it's only been two days. I'm a pretty heavy smoker in stressful times, and what with the economy right now, it's pretty stressful times. A pack at least every other day. So right now, my body and mind are going crazy trying to think of ways to access nicotine, all of which are totally unrealistic and often really gross (think picking through the crumbs in my shoulder bag trying to find shreds of tobacco - yeah, no.)

Smoking is such a gross habit - i know this, the effects on my health are obvious. But I just want one so badly right now! I keep reading through all the websites stating the effects of quitting, and they're so not helpful. OK, yes, in fifteen years I will have the same risk of heart attack as a non-smoker. Big deal. In fifteen years I'll have three extra sets of lungs in lab jars in the fridge of my space jet. Who the hell cares about fifteen years from now? I'll be thirty-eight and thus boring, uninteresting, and probably deserving of death. Right now, all I can concentrate on are the "mouth sores, black mucus, tightness of chest, constipation, dizziness, and insomnia." The next two to three weeks are going to be an utter delight, I can tell. And who knows, I may be boring you without purpose - when I return to New York (and to autonomy / availability of nicotine) I may be right off the wagon. God knows if there were a cigarette here now I would be sucking it like a vampire sucks veins. Mmm. Cigarette.

OK,OK,OK time to ask for a scrip for Chantix. Except suicidal thoughts aren't such a great replacement for something that only MIGHT kill you.